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I have a proposition for you: How would you like to date one man divided into four bodies? My name is Hal Harold Henry Hank. I would like to date you.

Hal will take you out dancing. Hal will meet your parents. Hal will impress your friends. Hal will be with you at ACL, SXSW, Yoga, office parties, etc. and you will also accompany Hal on his social outings as his beloved, winning companion. He is the public face of your relationship.

Harold will give you advice, Harold will *pick you up* from Yoga, Harold will decide where it is most reasonable you go to eat. Harold will suggest that you need to take a stronger interest in the way you feel about yourself, that you need to be more assertive at work, that you don't really want another cat.

Henry loves you. Henry loves to listen to you in any capacity, and will respond thoughtfully with awe and interest. Henry will show you that you are the person you've always wanted to be. Henry will cuddle with you; give you ice cream when you feel down. Henry is the empathetic man you need for emotional catharsis.

Hank will fuck you. He has a big fat dick and he is always horny--and you are just his type. He will respect you, unless you don't want to be respected as he works to satiate your every sexual need.

Let me be clear, I do not have multiple personalities. You will essentially be dating one person who will vary upon your emotional/social/physical/actual needs. I am four different people seeking one girlfriend. We are four different men utilizing our respective strengths and canceling out our respective weaknesses through synergy to create the perfect man. This is a service we are providing free of charge. We are your gregarious companion, your logical father figure, your partner in crime, and your man meat.

Now accepting applications."